It's not hard to reason this one but you migh...
Malti Bhojwani is a certified life coach who offers her services at Multi Coaching International. When she's not teaching people how to build trusting relationships, she's helping scores of corporates, educational institutes, and individuals better themselves using her unique coaching techniques. She's also launched a series of videos offering tips and advice; check them out here.
How open are you as a person? Can anyone really get in? Even the ones you say who love you so much and the ones who you proclaim “know you so well.” How well do they really know you? How much of your life is sectioned off? If you sat with yourself for just ten minutes in silence and imagined that your partner was able to read your thoughts just like in the teenage vampire flicks, what would they see and become privy to?
I am not saying that you should bare your soul and share every single detail about your past and your thoughts, but I am saying that if they were to “stumble” on anything, through an honest vulnerable conversation, or if they happen to “find” something, it would not be detrimental to the trust you have.
This means that although you do not have the entire data bank of your thoughts and feelings laid out in front of each other, if you found anything there, it would not come as a shock or hurt us. If there are a lot of thoughts and feelings going on in there, which are “classified” and truly will be detrimental to your closest relationship, then something is not right in your relationships and in the way you compartmentalize your life.
Simply put, intimacy, love and trust go together. In order to be intimate (physically, emotionally or spiritually), we have to let our guard down and be vulnerable. This requires a sense of emotional safety on both sides, and a belief that our partner will not betray or intentionally hurt us. Conversely, it's required that we live an authentic life with nothing much to hide from our partners. This means that if you do have lots to hide, you need to clean up your act or get out of the relationship, because you are in an empty one; without trust and intimacy there is nothing! Secrets drain your love boat of all it’s energy and intimacy.
On the flip side, if you doubt your partner, it will come through in anything you say. You will be insinuating doubt and suspicion, which will make the other feel untrusted. The easiest way to sabotage your relationship or marriage is to simply not trust your partner. I am referring to all levels of trust, not just fidelity.
Trusting your partner with money and decisions, trusting your spouse to look after your kids competently, trusting that they care about you enough to respect your wishes and not abuse you in any way and trusting that they can make decisions without your micro-managing them. This is true of all our relationships--at work and in our personal lives.
So, how to build trust in your relationship, to quote a little from my upcoming book and from my Youtube videos:
Learn to Communicate Effectively
In a disagreement, many people spend their time thinking about what they are going to say, rather than listening closely to understand the perspective of their partner. Or, they get caught up in the intense emotions of the moment, which usually disables their ability to hear what the other is saying. Be sure not to take anything said in the heat of the moment to heart, and never use it to throw back at your partner. Give each other the time and space and the freedom to deal with the matter in their own way.
Ask for What You Want Clearly and Allow Each Other to Say “No” Without Guilt.
Don’t expect your partner to read your mind, if you want them to do something; ask them specifically for what you want. Remember that you are two people brought up in different homes and with different habits and values and to assume that the other should know how and what you want is ridiculous. Never assume that anything is common knowledge.
When you are uncomfortable or simply do not want to do something, be lovingly firm and say “No”. Allow your partner to say “No” without repercussions too. Even if you are disappointed, accept that you are better off being slightly disappointed than having the person you love lie or pretend to you.
Be Your Word: Keep Your Promises
When you say you are going to be home at a certain time, mean it. When you both always do as you say you will do, trust grows. It is the little things that add up. Set reminders in your phone, get your secretary or kid to remind you; but always do as you say you are going to do. If you agreed to buy milk on the way home, or pick up his dry-cleaning, do so. Take away the need to be reminded or nagged. Can you see how powerful this can be? For a partner to know that something is going to be done just because their partner said so.
Have Faith That Your Partner Wants the Relationship to Work as Much as You Do and That They are as Strong as You Are.
"But, I don't want to hurt him/her." - That is an assumption that they are not as strong!
The truth is never destructive and can be conveyed in loving ways. Trust that your partner has the internal strength to be in a relationship of mutual respect and equality. If you don’t trust their intelligence and strength, they will pick up on it and often take on that role so as to avoid confrontation. When we give our partner the truth and we respect that they can handle it, we are empowering them.
Good news for our readers, as Malti Bhojwani is coming out with a new book on June 29, 2012. Entitled Don't Think of a Blue Ball, this self-help guide is published by Om Books International, and contains invaluable techniques and pointers charted out by this renowned life coach.
You can find many more useful tips and techniques by Malti Bhojwani here.
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