It's not hard to reason this one but you migh...
Disclaimer: We're well aware that alcoholism is no laughing matter and we do not condone it in the slightest. If you feel you, or anyone around you, is suffering from this debilitating disease, please contact http://www.aagsoindia.org/ immediately for further assistance. And if you're not, just enjoy the jokes below!
Husband and Wife
After her husband has gone back to refill his drink for the fifth time at a host's party, the wife looks at him and says, "Aren't you embarrassed to keep going back for more?"
Husband says, "Nope. I Keep telling them it's for you!"
An alcoholic had sworn off drinking for the hundredth time to his wife. She told him this was his very last chance. He did fine for a couple of weeks but the day came when he stopped in a bar after work with his buddies. Sure enough, one drink led to dozens. He even threw up all over his shirt.
"What will I do now?" he asked his pals, "She'll see this and KNOW I've been drinking!"
"No problem," said one, "tell her you stopped here with us and only drank soft drinks but a drunk puked on you. To make it believable, stick a $10 bill in your front pocket and say he offered to pay for the dry cleaning."
"I'll do it!" the alkie exclaimed.
When he got home, his wife was about to yell at him, but he held up his hand and explained he was innocent but a drunk puked on him.
"See? he even gave me ten dollars to pay for dry cleaning," he said, reaching in his pocket and waving money.
The wife frowned and said "Why are you holding TWO $10 bills?"
"Oh that...he $#!t in my pants too."
A drunk walks in the front door of a bar and yells "Bartender, gimme a drink!"
The bartender says "Sir, you're already intoxicated. I can't serve you."
The drunk grumbles and walks out the front door.
A few minutes later, he comes in the side door yelling "Bartender, gimme a drink!"
The bartender says "I already told you...you're drunk and I can't serve you!"
The drunk grumbles and walks out the side door.
A few minutes later he comes in the back door yelling "Bartender, gimme a drink!"
The bartender says "Look, buddy, I told you twice, you're too drunk and if you don't leave now I'm calling the law!"
The drunk looks at him, awestruck. Finally, he asks "Just how many bars do you work in, anyway?"
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a "splat." Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real a*$h*le when you're drunk."
Three Alcoholics and A Fly
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman ordered pints of ale at the local pub. As fate would have it, each of their drinks had a fly swimming in it.
The Englishman called the tavernkeeper over and said, "There's a fly in my ale! Throw this out and give me another."
The Irishman simply flicked the fly out of his own drink and continued drinking.
The Scotsman pulled the fly out of his drink, started squeezing it between his thumb and forefinger, and said to the fly, "Alright, spit it out! Spit it out!"
At the end of the night, a man leaves the bar. Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over.
He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "Not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"
Read 10 Things You Never Knew About Rum here.
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