It's not hard to reason this one but you migh...
A*#e For Arsenal
The Football Association was considering a scheme for simplifying club badges and emblems so that they more closely reflected the clubs' names. A committee was set up to receive suggestions and, after a few weeks, the chairman called a meeting.
'Gentlemen,' he said, 'Our request for new club badge designs has produced a very satisfactory response.
Most of the suggestions are perfectly straightforward and logical--an ox for Oxford United, a sun for Sunderland, a heart for Heart of Midlothian, a windmill and a brick wall for Millwall.
However, I'm afraid we must definitely draw the line at the proposed design received from Arsenal!'
The Urine Sample
Derek played football with his mates every Sunday afternoon in the local park. His right knee had been giving him trouble for some time, but recently the pain had been even worse than usual so he decided to see the doctor.
When he arrived at the surgery, the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but first he would have to give a urine sample. Derek said that it seemed crazy to give a urine sample to help solve his knee problem. However the nurse insisted, so eventually Derek complied. A quarter of an hour later he was ushered in to see the doctor.
"So, that knee is giving you trouble again, eh?" said the doctor almost immediately. "The nurse must have told you then," said Derek, wondering how the doctor knew.
"No. It was in your urine analysis," the doctor replied. "We've got a new urology machine which can diagnose every physical condition with complete accuracy."
Derek didn't believe a word of it, but nevertheless he agreed to provide another urine sample on a check-up visit. A few days later, Derek was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine, when he decided to have a little fun with the doctor. He peed into the sample bottle, as did his wife and daughter.
Then he had the idea of giving even more 'spice' to the proceedings. He added a few drops of motor oil to the bottle and finally had a wank and put a few drops of semen in it too. He returned to the doctor's surgery, shook the bottle and handed it to the nurse.
This time the urine analysis took half an hour. Finally, Derek was ushered in to see the doctor.
The doctor looked at him and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you. Your daughter's pregnant, your wife's got V .D., your car's about to break down and if you don't stop wanking, that knee's going to get even worse."
A rather dim fan arrives at a football match midway through the second half.
"What's the score?" he asks his friend as he settles into his seat.
"Nil-nil," comes the reply.
"And what was the score at half-time?" he asks.
Gods vs Mortals
One of the lesser-known stories in Greek mythology tells of a classic football match on Mount Olympus between the Gods and the Mortals.
The Gods trounced the Mortals 8-0 and attributed their victory to the brilliance of their new centaur-forward.
Funny Old Game
"It's a funny old game, football," the captain said to the manager after his team had been trounced 6-0 in an important relegation match.
To this, the manager replied grimly, "Yes, but it isn't meant to be!"
-Picture courtesy Thinkstock-
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