It's not hard to reason this one but you migh...
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Malti Bhojwani is a certified life coach who offers her services at Multi Coaching International. When she's not teaching people how to deal with their dating issues, she's helping scores of corporates, educational institutes, and individuals better themselves using her unique coaching techniques. She's also on Guylife's expert panel; begin the process of self-improvement by asking her a question.
Understanding Mars and Venus
Men and women fall in love differently. While women feel an immediate affection for a man, men tend be a little more one-dimensional about it, i.e., only physically attracted at first! Whether they like the way she looks or they think they could bed her easily, men think about sex every time they meet a woman!
In fact, one can go as far as to say that their filters work immediately to put her into one of three categories:
- They may want to sleep with her
- They will never sleep with her
- They definitely want to sleep with her
Then, they begin to question, "Is she more of a 'one-nighter,'" or "Could she make an ‘interesting friend?’" Only later do they realize that they might really like this girl! I hate to admit it, but very few men fall in this last category!
The Mate First Syndrome
There’s an easy explanation for this ‘mate first syndrome’ that’s taking over the dating game and it’s all about differing psyches of the two sexes. Although men do want to find “the one” too, they have been spoilt by sex being so readily available unlike in the previous generations, making them less likely to want to commit too soon as an intrinsic physiological disposition makes them want to sow their oats as many times and as far as they can!
Women, on the other hand, definitely get the raw end of the deal, as this delay in wanting to commit and settle down on the male’s part leads to the woman’s biological clock starting to tick, family and societal pressures kicking in, and as a result they become desperate to make things happen faster.
This often leads to women either making the first move, or trying to rush the whole dating ritual, and some even jump into bed with these men to increase their chances of commitment. However, this ends up having a reverse effect on the men, as physiologically they end up retracting and running away. The women moving in fast kills the chase for the man, which is what he was biologically designed to do!
[Note: What follows is the sort of advice that is given to women nowadays. You might be wondering what it's doing here, but we urge you to give it a read; understanding how women think can only help you get better at the mating--and dating--game!]
Breaking it Down
Keep in mind that if a man is truly interested, he will take the initiative. Things will flow with ease and he will automatically be curious about a woman's life, work, friends, etc. But if on the flip side, she falls into some other category, he may end up being evasive about the nature of their relationship even after sleeping with her more than once.
When he starts offering casual ‘hook-ups’ it only means that he’s clearly saying that he’s selfish and does not like the woman enough to commit to being her boyfriend. Many women who in turn accept this offer only contribute to this vicious cycle. In the hope that this physical intimacy might get them what they actually want, all they are doing is reaffirming their low self-worth.
The conclusion, as such, is simple: trading sex for love and intimacy never works!
Women need to wake up! Wake up to what? To learning to work on building trust with a man with whom they can be honest about feelings, before trusting him with their bodies.
Here are a few pointers:
- Don’t look at every guy who asks you out as if he is “the one.” Remember that you too may have to kiss a few frogs before one of them turns into your prince. But ladies, leave it at kissing please; more than that is not going to turn a confirmed frog into anything else, it will only cause him to slip out of your grasp and hop, hop, hop away to the next princess.
- Try not to sleep with your dates too early in the game. You may think that he will ‘lose interest’ if you don’t but here’s a secret: he’ll lose interest anyway! You will only end up feeling needy and emotional, making you even more unattractive to him.
- Even at first sight, women fall for the charm and conversation, and men for the looks. This is not superficial or bad--it's just how our brains are wired.
- Be responsive. When a man is attracted and then sees a positive response to some of his attempts, he becomes more interested. If she doesn’t react, it’s quite easy for an emotionally independent man to walk away with his feathers unruffled.
- Keep in mind that even at his most attentive stage, when a man is doing everything he can to show off his charm, his attention must not be misread as love. He likes her--don’t get me wrong--but he is still far from loving or committing to her.
When he is convinced that she’s in love, only then does he sit back and evaluate, using a combination of logic and feelings to decide if he wants to be with her at all. If at this stage he decides he can see a future with her--if he truly likes her--he will allow himself to fall in love. If, however, he does not see it, he will lose interest, get bored and move on!
All in all, this may sound terribly selfish to women, but it is just how men are made. Pursue, chase, hunt and then decide what to do with the spoils.
Agree with Malti's advice to women? Have thoughts? Let us know in the comments below or on our Facebook page.
-Pictures courtesy Thinkstock-
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