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Malti Bhojwani is a certified life coach who offers her services at Multi Coaching International. When she's not teaching people how to be great fathers, she's helping scores of corporates, educational institutes, and individuals better themselves using her unique coaching techniques. She's also on Guylife's expert panel; begin the process of self-improvement by asking her a question.

In case you missed the first part of this series, you can read it here.

Good Enough

From my life coaching and personal experiences, I have learnt that we all have negative thoughts and self-limiting beliefs that keep us from achieving our heart’s desires. Unfortunately, most of these restricting ideas were ingrained when we were very young. Despite parents’ best intentions and having our best interest at heart, they are sometimes the ones who cause most of their child's self-esteem issues.

The most common one, or the one that all others often boil down to is “I am not good enough.”

Parents--fathers especially--need to be sensitive to this, as they can often unknowingly be putting their kids down. The obvious ways are when they scold, criticize or tell their kids off, when they do this in front of other people and when they compare their kids to other children. However, the most subtle yet most impactful way is when fathers suggest alternatives and give unsolicited advice or answers to something that the kid has tried to do independently.

For example, when your child or teenager comes up to show you their essay, project, or pitch and you say, "Hmmm, this is alright, but why didn’t you add this," or say something like, "Do this" or "Do it that way."

This immediately translates to “YOU ARE JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH”.

Do you see that?

Children, just like adults, need to be loved for who they are, not for what they can do--and this starts at home. This is where they can experience unconditional love just because they are.

There is a fine line between being a resourceful and helpful parent vs. being one that is impossible to please or impress. Remember that one of their greatest needs is to please you and make you proud. When you praise your kids and expect the best outcomes from them, they are more likely to succeed.

If your son or daughter asks you for help, you should be resourceful and provide with options, answers and strategies that they want to learn from you.


Connect

Play with them: Find out what they like--is it a video game or a Barbie doll? Find out what their favourite TV show and characters are, and get to know them, be curious about the music they listen to, and the stars they admire and why.

Read to them: When you read something interesting, share it with them, share your childhood books with them, or read a few lines from their book to them at bedtime.

Stand by their mom: This is crucial because it’s very likely that your son will treat women, his future girlfriends, wife, and mother the way he sees you treating her. And your daughter will allow, accept, and even expect a man to treat her the way she sees you treating her mother. So, since your daughter is your princess, how could you treat your wife any differently?

Be affectionate to their mother in front of them, and remember they need to see what a good relationship looks like and they will emulate you when they have their own relationships.


“One day, when she is grown, something
between the two of you will shift, if you
have done your job well, she will choose
another good man to love her, fight for her,
and be intimately connected to her”

- Meg Meeker, 'Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters' (a must read for fathers of little girls)

“Create a substitute action for your physical or verbal assaults on your son, finding things to praise him for will be far more empowering than any criticism.” “It also might be difficult for you to tell him you love him at first. Try to be more specific with what you love about him. For instance: 'I love the way you hit the ball' or 'I really enjoy the way you sing 'Old MacDonald Had a Farm.''

-Stephan B. Poulter, 'Father Your Son: How to Become the Father You've Always Wanted to Be'


Sex, Money And Everything Else

Teach your kids about money and investment from a young age. Teach them about God by showing them how to express gratitude and compassion. Teach them how to negotiate even if it means negotiating rules with you. Talk to them about their body and self-image, about sex and relationships. And, as they grow older, you can share more and more things with them.

Again, think about what you or their mother were doing when you were their age. Be realistic, and don’t just sweep the inevitable facts under the rug. Ignoring their sexuality is not going to make it disappear.

The closer you are to them, the more you let them know that you are human. Tell them you were once a kid too, and that they can talk to you about anything without your reprimanding or punishing them.

Fatherhood is one of the most fulfilling opportunities in this lifetime and also one of huge responsibility. So be sure to do it right!

You may also like our Good Dad Guide.


-Pictures courtesy Thinkstock-